Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One thing leads to the next

So for my luck, my laptop is now somehow broken. Its pretty new, I got it a few months ago, and it's already malfunctioning. It was fine the night before, but I woke up and it was dead. It would turn on for two seconds make a clicking noise, and turn off. I had to call the company and its going to have to be sent back. That is no fun. I don't even know what is wrong with it. They said I shouldn't lose any information that is on it, but that makes nervous. I've grown very attached to my laptop, I have resorted to now using the desktop computer that is at my house. Which reminds me of the update in case I never mentioned it, I did move out of the house where I had to sleep on the couch. Until January I'll be home on my bed, surrounded by four walls that are mine. Not just a coat closet and an uncomfortable couch. On another good note, I am very excited for Christmas. Everyday that it gets closer I do get happier. I wish we had more decorations of it at my house, but at least we do have the tree and some stockings. I hope this years New Years and Christmas goes off a lot better than it did last year. If there is no arguing, and more laughing I will count it as a success.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I was numb today, literally. I got my cavity filled today and they had to numb most of the right side of my face. That included the cheek, jaw, teeth and most of my tongue. They put the numbing gel, and it took three shots before my the area would numb. The actual procedure went a lot better than I had anticipated. I am very happy about that. The only problem I had was I barely ate anything before I went to the dentist, so I was hungry by the time I left. I was told not to eat since I might bite my tongue because I couldn't feel it. I had to wait 3hours for my face to become fully functional again. Anyways, this was just a quick update. If anyone is listening I wanted to know your New Year's resolution.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't be described

This might not seem remotely important to anyone, but I went to the dentist today and found out that I have my first cavity. Its supposedly a very tiny hole, since they caught it right when it was beginning. I'm very much afraid of needles, so this is not something that I am looking forward too. I've never really had problems with my teeth so I hope this all goes good.

Leading on from my last posts ending about my sexuality. As far as I have been concerned my whole life I have been straight, but I kind of have a crush on my best friend. She is unaware, and I plan for her to stay that way. So what have I done with my confusion? I have gone on search for my answers on the vast world of the internet. Everywhere from online quizzes on sexuality to youtube. Yes I know that none of this is going to give me a clear cut answer, but the best help is youtube. Its somewhere that someone who has more of a clue can talk to you, but you don't reveal yourself. I don't mean that to sound creepy, but it is the truth. The reason I never feel sure about my sexuality, is because my story does not match up with everyone in that worlds story. I didn't know since I was a younger. I did not have crushes on girls. I did only like guys until high school kicked in. I had friends that were lesbians and I felt comfortable, I've had tiny crushes on both, not at the same time. The one crush that has stuck around is the one with my best friend. I've just been denying it then hoping it passes along like the rest have. The problem is that I think she has feelings for me, but will never admit it. It sounds like a lost cause since she does have a boyfriend, but if you met us you would understand. We even act like a couple for fun. Does everyone do that with their best friend? Probably not. I remember when we went to the lake. Its like flirting with each other comes naturally since neither one of us mind. When it started to get late, and the day was winding done it all feels so comfortable. When I remember that day I smile. She sat on my lap, like shes done thousands of times before.
Can you help me find me? I seem to have misplaced myself between all the masks.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Christmas is my favorite holiday, and my favorite day of the year. I look forward to Christmas more than I look forward to my birthday. I love that when Christmas comes around everyone around me gets in a better mood, when its just a birthday it feels more strained to just make me happy. I start celebrating Christmas since November possibly October. I love Christmas and I hope that is something that never changes. I just hope next Christmas I have more money to buy better presents, but those that I do give presents to care more about the emotion put into the gift than the gift itself. I am fortunate enough where everyone has everything they need and have presents as a bonus. I want to change my New Year's Resolution. Every year I have the same one, stop being such a procrastinator. For me that is going to be a life long battle. I don't know what it will be my goal is to make every year better than the last one. I have this feeling that I was getting close to falling out of love with life sometimes. Not in a suicidal way, just like I didn't appreciate every day enough. I wake up now and try to change that and "be the change." Sometimes I feel like I'm putting on an act, and its exhausting. I don't even realize that I am doing it till the damage has been done. Its like a midlife crisis at a younger state in life. I just feel like I have made myself a shell that I want to not just break, but eliminate forever. I want to change my exterior to match more my interior. I want: different hair color, 4 more piercing, a tattoo, and be overall healthier. I want to come to terms with my own sexuality. Wow, that burned just typing it, as if just putting it out there makes me face it more each time. I need a break.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Rebuilding to Tear Apart

Dear Diary?Journal?Internet?

I finally have started to get back into place. I'm back at my hometown and was able to pass Thanksgiving at home. It wasn't celebrated with my extended family, but with my mom's boyfriends' family. That was uneventful, not my dream holiday, but it'll have to do. I'm thankful for my family, friends, and life that I have. I rant and complain, but the holidays always make me think of those that might look at me, and think well doesn't she have it all? I can be selfish and selfless, dependable and unreliable, but I strive to be better than I was the last time I did something. I have sent the deposit to the college that I am going to, so I've opened a whole new world. Its across the entire country, I've always been the adventurous type at heart. I know its unknown territory, but I'm more excited than frightened. The only thing that scares me is the battle that goes on inside me on the daily. It's easy to justify something or paint a picture of the way things are in your head, but once you say it out loud it sounds lunatic. I've spoken before of the feeling of losing a friendship, a very important one, and it hurts. Never knowing what to do or what is wrong with it, just knowing its becoming unfixable. I don't believe in people drifting apart, people just give up. I don't want to give up. I think I have figured out the problem, I feel like as soon as I say it out loud it'll create a life on its own, the last brick to a wall that's already building. When one thing starts to work out, why does something have to fall apart?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Colorado Mountains

Taken with just a camera phone, so it's not the best picture. But I love those moutains.

The world keeps turning

It all comes full circle. Starting this new experience feels like it was so long ago and it's now coming to an end. I haven't been writing because I didn't think that anything was that exciting. Then I remembered this journal I kept one summer when I was around 10 or 11 years old of summer camp. At the time nothing seems that important just a pour of emotions. I'm so happy that I made that journal because it helps me remember the small things in life. So for the next postings might not be generalized to everyone, but I hope someone can relate. I've enjoyed my time volunteering and knowing that I am making a difference in someones life even if I'm not seeing it happen. I'm part of a huge project that is universal. It makes me happy to know that we don't discriminate on any bases and everyone that is a part of it, is really just a puzzle in making peace across the world. I don't consider myself a hippie or anything like that. I just want to be an honest good personal. The person I want to be is not always what I am, I have flaws and can be selfish, but I try. I took my first optional course and I didn't have the best time. Everyone there was much older than me, which has become my usual encounters with the people around me. My only fear is that once I go to college, I will not be able to get back in the swing of things, because of my "break." It's all stressful and keeping me awake at night, but that's life. One way or another it falls in a place.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Everyday I wake up and learn more about myself and the person I hope to one day become. I can't ask for more than that with the time I have to figure out my life. Things are slipping through the cracks that I hope will work out. I want to live without regrets and fears. I don't want those jaded around me to skew my perspective of the world with what they think are jaded realities. I want to live with innocence and imagine, not that of a child, but that of someone that is not burdened with pain and constant sacrifice. Instead of a person that lives for every moment and every person that they meet. Live to break molds and find a way to become your own person, even if thats an abnormal one.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Me Today

Surprisingly so I feel very calm today. I think it has to do with me knowing that this experience will be over, and I will be back in my comfort zone. All in all that makes me want to live up these next few weeks, because soon this will all be a memory. Theirs so many things I want to do in life, that I don't just want to waste time. I still don't get along with my "roommates" but I don't think that's going to change. Their is no respect level, but theirs not much I can do about it for now. I have to make the best of it, and no that their are people suffering around the world that don't even have a place to live. The world doesn't revolve around me and I do my best to make it seem smaller in a way that I want to make someone feel less lonely. Which I do feel, even if I am becoming friends with my coworkers. The sense that other close friends in my life are slipping isn't a fun one to have. Growing up I've had to move around a lot. That taught me how to keep friends, at least the one's that are worth keeping.  I had another post that I had saved, written out of anger, but this is not what I want to be about. The point of all this is to let all my emotions and insecurities out one by one, until they don't seem that important at all.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


So I decided to take a lazy day. After the things I had to do with the Red Cross and my own home life I felt it was well deserved. I had colleges calling, family calling, feeling like the world was chasing after me, but I needed my one day. When I look around at the life I have built, I'm proud of myself, but sometimes I need a day to realize my mistakes, and start fixing the mess. I wish I could actually meditate, or learn yoga so that I could find a different kind of peace. For know I stick with writing and rethinking all of life's possibilities. I might not be in love with my current situation, but I'm alive and young and still a little naive. I’ll ignore the jaded parts of me, close my eyes, and breathe. I wish that more people would do that. I haven't been so out of the world that I haven't noticed the news. All those kids that have killed themselves because they have felt bullied and misunderstood. I share in their pain, and we all do in a way, because everyone has felt or will feel broken. What is important to do, is step back, analyze, and readjust your life so that it fits the picture in your mind. I've been suicidal before, but I got out of it by moving on from tragedies. Remember to relax; it's a necessity to survive.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sometimes I Need to Remind Myself

"Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with. "

-Robert Frost

Have You Ever?

The fact that everything comes to an end is tragic and the best thing that could ever happen. Have you ever had to live in a place that you can't call home? Everyday being reminded that this is not the place you should be living at. I have, and I want to warn everyone don't do it. The deal seemed pretty good at first go somewhere you've never been all amenities provided for you, sounds pretty good on paper doesn't it? Not after a week of being there, everyone wants you to act as if you don't live there. How can you act like you don't live in the place that you live? I know this must not make sense to the majority of people that might read this, but every day I want to get farther and farther away from the Perfect Land that I thought I was going to be at. Just to clarify this has no involvement with the Red Cross. If it wasn't for me volunteering I would have been gone a long time ago. Waking up early to backaches and complains every morning is no ideal situation. And when you live with someone you wanted to be close to, you realize that the grass is never greener on the other side. True, but so hard to believe. Someone that I got along with so well, living with them for 2 weeks at a time, made it seem like we would get along, but the breaks were put on that fantasy very fast. So here I am, counting down the days, hearing the months in my head, October, November, leave in December.

My Superhero Vest

Today was my second day at the Red Cross and I have completely fallen in love with it. Hours fly by, but I'm not just wasting time. Everything is being done with a purpose, the point is to help those less fortunate. I can't say I have an epic story of going to a different country and feeding a child, but I know that I am helping that happen. I wanted from the beginning to do disaster services, be my own superhero in a way, but nothing is ever that easy. You have to take courses in order for them to send you, which all in all makes sense. I can see myself running to help someone hurt, but having no idea on how to do it is not the best idea. The image of me with my Red Cross vest trying to help people is stuck in mind as something I want to do. I want to help people physically and mentally because the scars that you can't see are the ones that hurt the most. For now it seems like paper work and fundraising is what I'll be doing for a little while. One of the best parts are the people that I'm meeting that have been doing this for you, even when they talk you can tell they care and want to pass that on to others. College is stress stress stress, but volunteering and getting my side of the story out there to the rest of the world, is therapeutic.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

When did it all get so stressful? I remember when it was a simple, I know its difficult now, but the transition period is what I blank out on. It’s as if one day I woke up and felt like the world was on my shoulders. Other lives depended on me, more people wanted me to succeed, but success gets farther away making it harder to reach. All of a sudden I can't categorize things because lines are being blurred too fast. Their are the good things when teachers start to look more like friends, and the secret that no matter how much of an adult you claim to be we're all just trying to figure life out as we go along. But the bad things are still there, when the mystery behind your superheroes is that they all made huge mistakes. When the smoke clears the world seems pretty dreadful at times, but I try to make it along. Now I'm just stressed between which colleges to go to, all depending on my financial aid. Money does rule the world, I hope that changes one day, but for now it seems to hold true.

Day 1

Have you ever had a day that you feel really productive,  like you actually made a big enough difference that the world might not be so bad that day. Well I finally had that day today. That is until I get home, and I have to deal with water bottle tossing games. Then all of a sudden, that feeling goes away. Today was my first day actually working with the Red Cross. I have gone through training and all the rest prior to actually starting. Fact I learned is that this division forces people to have background checks run on them. As if a killer or something is really going to want to spend their time helping others. I see the logic on paper behind hit, but it doesn't make much sense in reality. I was able to work with people not far from my age help spread "the message" of the Red Cross. I'm looking forward to the next couple months, not sure where I'll end up, but life always keeps me guessing.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

For Tomorrow

If today was yesterday,
I would see it all differently,
maybe I wouldn't hide,
maybe I would just run.
I see my problems,
but I can't fix the mess.
That's when I find you and I can't see you anymore.
Have you ever wondered what life could be,
should be,
would be,
If we were all just a little less afraid.
Afraid of the mayhem that will rise,
if we stepped out of the lines,
that were created way before our time.
I wish I didn't,
but I know I have.

How I Got Here

Let me start off with this was never the plan. I was suppose to go straight from high school to college, being an A+ student my entire life. Well that didn't go as smooth as I wanted it to. I graduated high school from a small school after moving from state to state throughout my school years. I had it all planned out until I was led on by a school to get better finaid. That never worked out and I dropped full scholarships from this schools. That's how I now I have to go through the struggle of starting school later than anyone else, but that's life, and no one ever said it was fair.
A picture from my road trip.

Monday, October 4, 2010

First time I touched the ocean in years.
So I figured I should probably post this when I'm "calm, cool, and collected" but that would defeat the whole purpose of why I am making this blog. Something I'm trying to change about myself is the constant need to be a procrastinator. It's not a good look for anyone, yet every time I want to go out I'm stuck in the same predicament. So moving on to this morning. I wake up at 10am since I didn't have to be at the place till 1pm but I somehow end up running late again. So I'm doing that awkward speed walking where you want to break out into full jog, but you know it would look awkward so you quickly shuffle down the street. Well while doing that I remember I have no change and end up having to go to Starbucks, buy whatever was there to get change back. Unfortunately the line drew me back some minutes so now I have to jog to the train station. Where I notice my boss has called me, so I call her back. Oh that's great I don't have to come in to work today. But what needs to be stated is that its not actually work. Its for the Red Cross that I'm volunteering at so I want to do the job. Who knew you have to get background checks, and take courses just to volunteer. Well know I'm frustrated with nothing to left to do.

Why I Bother

So how this all starts is that its 12:05 AM, and I've been sleeping on the couch for that past month. I have so much to say, but no one to listen. I have siblings, parents, a best friend, even a dog, but its not the same. Doesn't everyone just want to be heard, so here's the idea. I'll start a blog, that no one I know has any idea I'm writing. I'm going to be brutally honest, and hope for the best. The best at this point already being achieved, which is get my point out. I don't plan to be the next hit, but I want to remember how it all felt like. So here's where I hope I need to look back to remember how it began.