Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One thing leads to the next

So for my luck, my laptop is now somehow broken. Its pretty new, I got it a few months ago, and it's already malfunctioning. It was fine the night before, but I woke up and it was dead. It would turn on for two seconds make a clicking noise, and turn off. I had to call the company and its going to have to be sent back. That is no fun. I don't even know what is wrong with it. They said I shouldn't lose any information that is on it, but that makes nervous. I've grown very attached to my laptop, I have resorted to now using the desktop computer that is at my house. Which reminds me of the update in case I never mentioned it, I did move out of the house where I had to sleep on the couch. Until January I'll be home on my bed, surrounded by four walls that are mine. Not just a coat closet and an uncomfortable couch. On another good note, I am very excited for Christmas. Everyday that it gets closer I do get happier. I wish we had more decorations of it at my house, but at least we do have the tree and some stockings. I hope this years New Years and Christmas goes off a lot better than it did last year. If there is no arguing, and more laughing I will count it as a success.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I was numb today, literally. I got my cavity filled today and they had to numb most of the right side of my face. That included the cheek, jaw, teeth and most of my tongue. They put the numbing gel, and it took three shots before my the area would numb. The actual procedure went a lot better than I had anticipated. I am very happy about that. The only problem I had was I barely ate anything before I went to the dentist, so I was hungry by the time I left. I was told not to eat since I might bite my tongue because I couldn't feel it. I had to wait 3hours for my face to become fully functional again. Anyways, this was just a quick update. If anyone is listening I wanted to know your New Year's resolution.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't be described

This might not seem remotely important to anyone, but I went to the dentist today and found out that I have my first cavity. Its supposedly a very tiny hole, since they caught it right when it was beginning. I'm very much afraid of needles, so this is not something that I am looking forward too. I've never really had problems with my teeth so I hope this all goes good.

Leading on from my last posts ending about my sexuality. As far as I have been concerned my whole life I have been straight, but I kind of have a crush on my best friend. She is unaware, and I plan for her to stay that way. So what have I done with my confusion? I have gone on search for my answers on the vast world of the internet. Everywhere from online quizzes on sexuality to youtube. Yes I know that none of this is going to give me a clear cut answer, but the best help is youtube. Its somewhere that someone who has more of a clue can talk to you, but you don't reveal yourself. I don't mean that to sound creepy, but it is the truth. The reason I never feel sure about my sexuality, is because my story does not match up with everyone in that worlds story. I didn't know since I was a younger. I did not have crushes on girls. I did only like guys until high school kicked in. I had friends that were lesbians and I felt comfortable, I've had tiny crushes on both, not at the same time. The one crush that has stuck around is the one with my best friend. I've just been denying it then hoping it passes along like the rest have. The problem is that I think she has feelings for me, but will never admit it. It sounds like a lost cause since she does have a boyfriend, but if you met us you would understand. We even act like a couple for fun. Does everyone do that with their best friend? Probably not. I remember when we went to the lake. Its like flirting with each other comes naturally since neither one of us mind. When it started to get late, and the day was winding done it all feels so comfortable. When I remember that day I smile. She sat on my lap, like shes done thousands of times before.
Can you help me find me? I seem to have misplaced myself between all the masks.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Christmas is my favorite holiday, and my favorite day of the year. I look forward to Christmas more than I look forward to my birthday. I love that when Christmas comes around everyone around me gets in a better mood, when its just a birthday it feels more strained to just make me happy. I start celebrating Christmas since November possibly October. I love Christmas and I hope that is something that never changes. I just hope next Christmas I have more money to buy better presents, but those that I do give presents to care more about the emotion put into the gift than the gift itself. I am fortunate enough where everyone has everything they need and have presents as a bonus. I want to change my New Year's Resolution. Every year I have the same one, stop being such a procrastinator. For me that is going to be a life long battle. I don't know what it will be my goal is to make every year better than the last one. I have this feeling that I was getting close to falling out of love with life sometimes. Not in a suicidal way, just like I didn't appreciate every day enough. I wake up now and try to change that and "be the change." Sometimes I feel like I'm putting on an act, and its exhausting. I don't even realize that I am doing it till the damage has been done. Its like a midlife crisis at a younger state in life. I just feel like I have made myself a shell that I want to not just break, but eliminate forever. I want to change my exterior to match more my interior. I want: different hair color, 4 more piercing, a tattoo, and be overall healthier. I want to come to terms with my own sexuality. Wow, that burned just typing it, as if just putting it out there makes me face it more each time. I need a break.