Friday, April 8, 2011

Sitting in my Dorm

I made this blog trying to not just come on here to bitch all the time, but at this point I no longer care. I'm sitting in my dorm, just thinking about my life. I miss my best friend, which I may or may not be in love with, but she's too far away no matter what way I spin it. I can't even tell her I have ever liked a girl in general, less will I ever tell her its her. I'm loving college life in the fact that I have so much more freedom than I had at home, but I do get lonely. I told one of my friends here about my past, but no luck with that helping. Now I just feel stressed when I talk to her, so that's a fail. She brings up past memories, with the memories, and the way she is in general sometimes. It all just hurts to feel lonely. I've built a wall between me and everyone else, that I'm trying to break down before my heart says its okay. When I tried to tell my best friend about it, she just encouraged me to not try so hard, basically, because I have only known these people for a short amount of time. The reason my heart and brain doesn't fully trust them its because it shouldn't. I have days that the "trio" which are me, my roommate, and our gay friend (her "gay best friend") are all in harmony and have a good day. Then theirs days were we don't get along or someone gets excluded. Reasons why I have never done best friend trio's, but the other part is I sometimes feel like the third wheel, especially because my roommate loves to point out how he was and is her best friend first. She tries to push me away sometimes when he's not around, by saying commentaries about how much of better friends they are, but to me its not a competition. I want to have a close friend again, back to not having to explain myself, but do I even know what that means? Part of me is in love with my best friend. That does not even make sense, I can't go around having that. And to be clear, I will NEVER be attracted to my roommate. Well I have to go eat dinner with some other friends not including the trio since I'm in a mini disagreement with the guy friend, but I'll explain that in part 2.