Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Rebuilding to Tear Apart

Dear Diary?Journal?Internet?

I finally have started to get back into place. I'm back at my hometown and was able to pass Thanksgiving at home. It wasn't celebrated with my extended family, but with my mom's boyfriends' family. That was uneventful, not my dream holiday, but it'll have to do. I'm thankful for my family, friends, and life that I have. I rant and complain, but the holidays always make me think of those that might look at me, and think well doesn't she have it all? I can be selfish and selfless, dependable and unreliable, but I strive to be better than I was the last time I did something. I have sent the deposit to the college that I am going to, so I've opened a whole new world. Its across the entire country, I've always been the adventurous type at heart. I know its unknown territory, but I'm more excited than frightened. The only thing that scares me is the battle that goes on inside me on the daily. It's easy to justify something or paint a picture of the way things are in your head, but once you say it out loud it sounds lunatic. I've spoken before of the feeling of losing a friendship, a very important one, and it hurts. Never knowing what to do or what is wrong with it, just knowing its becoming unfixable. I don't believe in people drifting apart, people just give up. I don't want to give up. I think I have figured out the problem, I feel like as soon as I say it out loud it'll create a life on its own, the last brick to a wall that's already building. When one thing starts to work out, why does something have to fall apart?

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