I finally have started to get back into place. I'm back at my hometown and was able to pass Thanksgiving at home. It wasn't celebrated with my extended family, but with my mom's boyfriends' family. That was uneventful, not my dream holiday, but it'll have to do. I'm thankful for my family, friends, and life that I have. I rant and complain, but the holidays always make me think of those that might look at me, and think well doesn't she have it all? I can be selfish and selfless, dependable and unreliable, but I strive to be better than I was the last time I did something. I have sent the deposit to the college that I am going to, so I've opened a whole new world. Its across the entire country, I've always been the adventurous type at heart. I know its unknown territory, but I'm more excited than frightened. The only thing that scares me is the battle that goes on inside me on the daily. It's easy to justify something or paint a picture of the way things are in your head, but once you say it out loud it sounds lunatic. I've spoken before of the feeling of losing a friendship, a very important one, and it hurts. Never knowing what to do or what is wrong with it, just knowing its becoming unfixable. I don't believe in people drifting apart, people just give up. I don't want to give up. I think I have figured out the problem, I feel like as soon as I say it out loud it'll create a life on its own, the last brick to a wall that's already building. When one thing starts to work out, why does something have to fall apart?
Friday, November 12, 2010
It all comes full circle. Starting this new experience feels like it was so long ago and it's now coming to an end. I haven't been writing because I didn't think that anything was that exciting. Then I remembered this journal I kept one summer when I was around 10 or 11 years old of summer camp. At the time nothing seems that important just a pour of emotions. I'm so happy that I made that journal because it helps me remember the small things in life. So for the next postings might not be generalized to everyone, but I hope someone can relate. I've enjoyed my time volunteering and knowing that I am making a difference in someones life even if I'm not seeing it happen. I'm part of a huge project that is universal. It makes me happy to know that we don't discriminate on any bases and everyone that is a part of it, is really just a puzzle in making peace across the world. I don't consider myself a hippie or anything like that. I just want to be an honest good personal. The person I want to be is not always what I am, I have flaws and can be selfish, but I try. I took my first optional course and I didn't have the best time. Everyone there was much older than me, which has become my usual encounters with the people around me. My only fear is that once I go to college, I will not be able to get back in the swing of things, because of my "break." It's all stressful and keeping me awake at night, but that's life. One way or another it falls in a place.