Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't be described

This might not seem remotely important to anyone, but I went to the dentist today and found out that I have my first cavity. Its supposedly a very tiny hole, since they caught it right when it was beginning. I'm very much afraid of needles, so this is not something that I am looking forward too. I've never really had problems with my teeth so I hope this all goes good.

Leading on from my last posts ending about my sexuality. As far as I have been concerned my whole life I have been straight, but I kind of have a crush on my best friend. She is unaware, and I plan for her to stay that way. So what have I done with my confusion? I have gone on search for my answers on the vast world of the internet. Everywhere from online quizzes on sexuality to youtube. Yes I know that none of this is going to give me a clear cut answer, but the best help is youtube. Its somewhere that someone who has more of a clue can talk to you, but you don't reveal yourself. I don't mean that to sound creepy, but it is the truth. The reason I never feel sure about my sexuality, is because my story does not match up with everyone in that worlds story. I didn't know since I was a younger. I did not have crushes on girls. I did only like guys until high school kicked in. I had friends that were lesbians and I felt comfortable, I've had tiny crushes on both, not at the same time. The one crush that has stuck around is the one with my best friend. I've just been denying it then hoping it passes along like the rest have. The problem is that I think she has feelings for me, but will never admit it. It sounds like a lost cause since she does have a boyfriend, but if you met us you would understand. We even act like a couple for fun. Does everyone do that with their best friend? Probably not. I remember when we went to the lake. Its like flirting with each other comes naturally since neither one of us mind. When it started to get late, and the day was winding done it all feels so comfortable. When I remember that day I smile. She sat on my lap, like shes done thousands of times before.
We always sleep in the same bed at sleep overs, even if its a twin when theirs plenty of other space. We feel comfortable in the dark, with our legs intertwined sitting in the back, just listening to music. I've rested on her chest like shes rested on mine. We love to wrestle with eachother. The funny part is that when I'm mad she knows it because we are not touching. I physically seperate myself from every contact with her body, thats when she fight harder to get closer to me. We always use the same dressing room to change at stores. I've never felt more at home with someone, like I don't have to fake it. She's even laid on top of me, of course I never mind. I want to put it out there, but my friendship with her is worth more than the risk. So it just hurts.

1 comment:

  1. as far as I know (and I'm a dude) it's kind of normal. My ex is pretty straight I guess, or hope rather haha, but she would always talk about wanting to hook up with her best friend and I know they've made out several times. So I wouldn't worry about it much. Also, sucks to hear that about your tooth! I have no cavities either AND I have an injection phobia, I start to hyperventilate and it's just not a fun time.