Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"a heart that's harder than stone and it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone"- Brand New

So once again I find myself in the same spot, in the middle of 4 walls in my room in the middle of the night, awake because my brain does not know when to stop racing. I have stopped coming to this website because I didn't think anyone cares, which hasn't change, but when I think atleast I will have this to remember. A place to scream, where I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings, my safe place, a sort of home. I felt like doing a blog or a diary entry the way I see it, because I feel hurt. It hurts on the inside. Today I was suppose to skype with my roommate from college, and our gay friend because he's living with her for the rest of the summer. I'm going back two weeks early to live with her too, since she invited, knowing I'm not particularly fond of the small town I'm in now. She had to remind me to go on skype since I got screwed up, because of the time difference. We were talking and I thought everything was fine, then she was like oh ha ha the internet is acting weird, and went off. Knowing her I thought she was just kidding, then they never went back on, or texted me or anything. Later on tonight, he posted on one of our mutual friends facebook, guess the internet was fine at the house. That hurt. Then I go, fine, I can always rely on my best friend, sort of, kind of. So I ask her if she wants to Skype, if she couldn't that would be fine, just a question. Stab to the heart->her boyfriend was at her house for the week and then she was going to maryland with him for a week. I have been begging her to come visit me, but knowing her dad can be completly over protective, she said he will never let her go anywhere, even if I and a group of people were with her. She refused to ever argue or stand up to her father to come see me, I doubt she even asked. But she can go with a biyfriend, and here is the kicker, she is coming back alone. Now their is no problem, to argue with him to get that. That hurt.
I don't know what its like for anyone else, but I know that to me, it feels bad, really disgustinly bad inside. I feel like I'm not good enough, and bad that I feel no like I have to constantly deny my feelings. My friends from college always text me how much they miss me, then when we get to talk you just shut me out. It's one of those days that I feel lonely, like I'm not good enough. I look around and try to add up what I've done in my life, and nothing seems to fulfill the void in my heart. Now I just want a boyfriend, I think I use people in my life and use them for the emotional fulfillment I need, I know thats wrong. My gay friend let me read his journal, I told him I can't ever keep a journal, then i thought of this, and thought lier. I can't imagine being this raw with anyone by myself. After all I have no real friends,  how real can someone be, if they only see the shadow of who you are. Maybe I should just go away for a while from their lives, yeah, that might be best.