The End-The Beginning

Hello!

It has been  a really long time since I have been on here. Two years to be exact and so many things have changed that you could not even imagine. I just came on the site to read my old diary entries and I had no idea they were that sad, but so many things have happened. I could not be happier that I started this post before I started college, because SURPRISE I'm graduating from college in 2 weeks. College has been the most unforgettable and best experience of my life, because I did find out a lot of things about myself. In relation to my past post, my girl best friend that I was in love with told me she was bi and had done a little of experimenting with girls. She is still with the same boyfriend, but he has the more the merrier policy lol, side worldwind. After Thanksgiving break I have not seen her, but we Skype and call (last time we talked on the phone was 3 days ago) so we are still very close. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about my gay best friend. We ended up moving in together and lived together for 2 years in an apartment plus over the summer. We told each other that we were in love with each other and talked about how crazy that was because we could never do anything about it. I still loved him and love him, but we haven't talked in over a week eventhough we live together. I couldn't keep dealing with all of our baggage anymore and told him I didn't want to live together. He was done and we don't talk. He was getting closer with a guy he's been hooking up with since freshman year as of a month ago, but I'm not the biggest fan of him or his friends. That's not the real reason we aren't living together, we both know why. New beginnings are scary and my heart is hurt that I've lost my best friend from this roller coaster a month before it ends, but that was his choice. I'll mend it and keep my head high.

Now I will go back to living on the uncomfortable couch and closet until I make my way and get another apartment. I'll come back and post! Can't wait to see what life has in store now.

I've fallen back in love with life.

" Say I'd rather be with you but you are not around
So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone"
-Drake

My Heart Hurts

I literally feel like something has been sinking for so long, and it has just hit the bottom. I can't even focus on anything anymore except the pain when someone you love does not love you back in the same way. Drops you off to go fuck someone else. I can't take it anymore. Moments like these make me wish I was a cutter or bulimia. To do something that will just put a bandage over the problem, anything but have to face it anymore. It's there and I decided this week I am going to confront it. Not try to see everything with rose colored glasses, just the way they are. Much more black and white than what I had imagined. He is not in love with me. I have used him as a replacement boyfriend because I am extremely lonely. I put my friends on such a high pedestal, because I have no one else to make my number 1. If I was in his position I would do the same thing. Now I have to sit in a cafeteria in 30min to hear about him fucking or whatever with his new crush. Sorry fuck that plan. He is not going to eat breakfast at all today. I just got the text. Funniest part is that I should be happy, no? I don't have to hear about anything. Wrong. I will just have to hear about it later. The only difference is that now it is delayed and I don't get to see him. Just seeing him brings up so many feelings that they make me want to puke a little. Actually, I want to puke a lot. My heart hurts. I can't continue doing this. Life is too short, and I am not doing what I should be doing. I should be going out and meeting new people. I am stuck in his world. I will create my own world again. FUCK THIS SHIT!
/\

I Discovered Something...

Glad I Came

It has been a while, I feel like anyways, since I have written anything in here. I have pretty much have had different friends as diary's, but that is not the same as having your life written down. I realize how much it actually helps, now that I haven't been doing it. I want to start doing this much more, school work is just crazy. Anyways, why don't we get to the point? Which is me, that just sounds so self-centered.
I have started my second semester in college, and when I think back on it I think happy thoughts, but as if I have not been living life to the fullest. I spend 85% of my time with my gay best friend which is just too ridiculous. I just can't seem to stop, I've actually have had dreams of him being my boyfriend. That scares me, I would not want that to happen really, theirs no way in hell it would work out, being honest with myself. As far as my best friend goes, if anyone can remember, the one that I basically fawn over to the point of pathetic, yeah that one, I'm going to go visit her for Thanksgiving break. Hope anyone that reads this is proud of me, I told her I was bi. Personal achievement, but now it's almost like I want to backtrack, but I know that would be stupid.

Hi...Anyone?

Feel

Have you ever felt like once you say something out loud it becomes real, so you rather not saying anything at all. That's what I feel like now.

"a heart that's harder than stone and it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone"- Brand New

So once again I find myself in the same spot, in the middle of 4 walls in my room in the middle of the night, awake because my brain does not know when to stop racing. I have stopped coming to this website because I didn't think anyone cares, which hasn't change, but when I think atleast I will have this to remember. A place to scream, where I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings, my safe place, a sort of home. I felt like doing a blog or a diary entry the way I see it, because I feel hurt. It hurts on the inside. Today I was suppose to skype with my roommate from college, and our gay friend because he's living with her for the rest of the summer. I'm going back two weeks early to live with her too, since she invited, knowing I'm not particularly fond of the small town I'm in now. She had to remind me to go on skype since I got screwed up, because of the time difference. We were talking and I thought everything was fine, then she was like oh ha ha the internet is acting weird, and went off. Knowing her I thought she was just kidding, then they never went back on, or texted me or anything. Later on tonight, he posted on one of our mutual friends facebook, guess the internet was fine at the house. That hurt. Then I go, fine, I can always rely on my best friend, sort of, kind of. So I ask her if she wants to Skype, if she couldn't that would be fine, just a question. Stab to the heart->her boyfriend was at her house for the week and then she was going to maryland with him for a week. I have been begging her to come visit me, but knowing her dad can be completly over protective, she said he will never let her go anywhere, even if I and a group of people were with her. She refused to ever argue or stand up to her father to come see me, I doubt she even asked. But she can go with a biyfriend, and here is the kicker, she is coming back alone. Now their is no problem, to argue with him to get that. That hurt.

I wanted to tell anyone out there that ever wants to talk or has questions feel free to email me at findmehere54@gmail.com


xoxo

Insides spilled across the Floor

Break me,
take me, and use me up.
Pick me up just to slam me into the ground.
I need to know that you still care,
I need to feel you wrapped around me.
Where is my home when you are not around me?
Please refuse to let me slip into the ghost of myself.
Bring me back to vivid colors and a world full of shapes.
Force me to see the sun when its still rainig.
Make me play in the dark, like I use to know to do so well.
See me for who I am,
because these walls are built too high to knock down.
Please, I beg you to put the effort in to save me.
I'm drowning, I'm chocking on my past, on the words I hold back.
Feel me move, let me remember the steps to your heart.
My heart beats in sync with others, don't let that change.
Fight for what is yours.
I can't let you down, I'm crying from the pain.
Do something.
Do anything.
Just don't forget me.

Back to the Happy Things in Life

The trio and quarto, with my gay best friend's boyfriend, which I love, we have formed is amazing. We all mesh really well, and the way our personalities flow, surprises me. I cannot believe that we somehow found each other, and I honestly hope that we stay friends, with technology today I hope we will. Life has so many twists and turns, that it can make any one's head spin. With my best friend, I am do not think I am in love with her anymore, because I never know where we stand. She can be as cold as ice when she wants to be, if I say something that upsets her. To be honest, I know what upsets her and I should steer clear of those subjects, but I want to tell her how I feel about certain subjects. Its hard when you are in the predicament I am in. I just breathe and try to take everything slowly and day by day, seeing what is out their in the world for me.
This summer though, I won't be doing that. I am back in this small town in the middle of nowhere. I am looking forward going back to college, I am suppose to go back early to live with my roommate for two weeks so we can have relaxation time. Right now I love life.

1 Goal Down

I would proudly like to announce that I completed one of my life goals. I have gone to a concert, it was not all that great. The mosh pit was not fun, or at all what I thought it would be. At first it was just swaying, but when people get violent, because they are drunk, the fun goes away. I re-read my last post, and some things I feel different about. For one, I know the time span does not seem like that much of a difference, but those of you who have can relate that weeks feel like months, and months feel like years. Things change and people grow into who they want to be.
But I have done something, that I regret in a way. My little trio was very close friends with a girl named Jay, but before their was a trio, last semester Jay and my gay friend got into a fight with her (not physical) because he felt she was "changing" for the worst, and Jay continued to ask him not to bring my roommatee along because Jay did not like her (immature). Anyways, personalities clashed and they were trying to move past it, but about a month ago I got into a verbal argument with Jay, with my gay friend present. He was upset at how she treated me, and I felt stupidly forced to tell him how she had warned me my first few weeks at school to be careful of him, because he drops friends. For him that was the last straw, and he talked with her and basically broke off their friendship, he has no plans to make mends, but Jay apologized to me by text, voicemail, and in person so I did forgive her, and I tried to fix her and my friend back together. At this point I had completely screwed it up, and felt horrible about it, because it is not like me to talk behind backs, I am usually a much more direct, tell it to your face kind of person. My gay friend has not told her what I had told him, because he does not want to force the ending of me and Jay's friendship.

Sitting in my Dorm

I made this blog trying to not just come on here to bitch all the time, but at this point I no longer care. I'm sitting in my dorm, just thinking about my life. I miss my best friend, which I may or may not be in love with, but she's too far away no matter what way I spin it. I can't even tell her I have ever liked a girl in general, less will I ever tell her its her. I'm loving college life in the fact that I have so much more freedom than I had at home, but I do get lonely. I told one of my friends here about my past, but no luck with that helping. Now I just feel stressed when I talk to her, so that's a fail. She brings up past memories, with the memories, and the way she is in general sometimes. It all just hurts to feel lonely. I've built a wall between me and everyone else, that I'm trying to break down before my heart says its okay. When I tried to tell my best friend about it, she just encouraged me to not try so hard, basically, because I have only known these people for a short amount of time. The reason my heart and brain doesn't fully trust them its because it shouldn't. I have days that the "trio" which are me, my roommate, and our gay friend (her "gay best friend") are all in harmony and have a good day. Then theirs days were we don't get along or someone gets excluded. Reasons why I have never done best friend trio's, but the other part is I sometimes feel like the third wheel, especially because my roommate loves to point out how he was and is her best friend first. She tries to push me away sometimes when he's not around, by saying commentaries about how much of better friends they are, but to me its not a competition. I want to have a close friend again, back to not having to explain myself, but do I even know what that means? Part of me is in love with my best friend. That does not even make sense, I can't go around having that. And to be clear, I will NEVER be attracted to my roommate. Well I have to go eat dinner with some other friends not including the trio since I'm in a mini disagreement with the guy friend, but I'll explain that in part 2.

is anyone here?

Can't we all just get along?

Can someone explain to me why my roommate is always in a fight with someone? I don't understand, it is like she needs to be arguing with someone over problems that she creates or else she has nothing to do with herself. Last night was fun according to everyone but her. She does not drink, ever, because she has a large amount of alcholics in her family. I respect her decision and have never forced her too drink, though I think she will by the end of college.

Past my First Month at College

So I've entered college. I ended up getting a standard room with just one roommate which I am very thankful for, considering I know of people sharing a room with multiple roommates, that would not go well for me. For the most part we get along pretty well, and we share some of the same friends. In the beginning we mostly clashed because she did not seem to grasp the concept that if its mine don't touch it. If you feel the urge to do that, fight it. All you have to do is ask or text me if I'm not in the room and 99% of the time the answer will be yes, but we have gotten over that hump. The other problem we have is the clingy factor. If I am not with her she wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and approximately when will I be coming "home" because she is "lonely." It would be acceptable if this was a rare occurrence, but she has already gone around to my friends rooms looking for me if I don't tell her where I am. She has tried to tone that down, but she is working on it.
My major is Psychology, and I have been excited to start learning more of the basics of what I plan to do with the rest of my life.

Towards College

I't almost 1am and all I can think of doing is writing. I'm starring at the blank space waiting to be filled by my overflowing thoughts. I received my laptop yesterday aftern being torn away from it for weeks. That is one less thing to worry about, since I thought I might not have it back in time to go to college. School starts Tuesday Jan.18,2011 and orientation is Jan.17. I will be taking a road trip because I live very far away from my college, which won't be a problem later on, because I will live on campus. I don't know who my roommate will be or anything about what my college experience will end up being, but I am very excited to find out. I'm tired of wondering what will happen, and I am ready to jump in and fully put myself out there. I had a great Christmas and a good New Year's Eve. These holidays were definitely a better experience than the 2009 holidays. Those were for the most part disasters.

One thing leads to the next

So for my luck, my laptop is now somehow broken. Its pretty new, I got it a few months ago, and it's already malfunctioning. It was fine the night before, but I woke up and it was dead. It would turn on for two seconds make a clicking noise, and turn off. I had to call the company and its going to have to be sent back. That is no fun. I don't even know what is wrong with it. They said I shouldn't lose any information that is on it, but that makes nervous. I've grown very attached to my laptop, I have resorted to now using the desktop computer that is at my house. Which reminds me of the update in case I never mentioned it, I did move out of the house where I had to sleep on the couch. Until January I'll be home on my bed, surrounded by four walls that are mine. Not just a coat closet and an uncomfortable couch. On another good note, I am very excited for Christmas. Everyday that it gets closer I do get happier. I wish we had more decorations of it at my house, but at least we do have the tree and some stockings. I hope this years New Years and Christmas goes off a lot better than it did last year. If there is no arguing, and more laughing I will count it as a success.

Breathe