Everyday

Christmas is my favorite holiday, and my favorite day of the year. I look forward to Christmas more than I look forward to my birthday. I love that when Christmas comes around everyone around me gets in a better mood, when its just a birthday it feels more strained to just make me happy. I start celebrating Christmas since November possibly October. I love Christmas and I hope that is something that never changes. I just hope next Christmas I have more money to buy better presents, but those that I do give presents to care more about the emotion put into the gift than the gift itself. I am fortunate enough where everyone has everything they need and have presents as a bonus. I want to change my New Year's Resolution. Every year I have the same one, stop being such a procrastinator. For me that is going to be a life long battle. I don't know what it will be my goal is to make every year better than the last one. I have this feeling that I was getting close to falling out of love with life sometimes. Not in a suicidal way, just like I didn't appreciate every day enough. I wake up now and try to change that and "be the change." Sometimes I feel like I'm putting on an act, and its exhausting. I don't even realize that I am doing it till the damage has been done. Its like a midlife crisis at a younger state in life. I just feel like I have made myself a shell that I want to not just break, but eliminate forever. I want to change my exterior to match more my interior. I want: different hair color, 4 more piercing, a tattoo, and be overall healthier. I want to come to terms with my own sexuality. Wow, that burned just typing it, as if just putting it out there makes me face it more each time. I need a break.