I wanted to tell anyone out there that ever wants to talk or has questions feel free to email me at findmehere54@gmail.com


xoxo

Insides spilled across the Floor

Break me,
take me, and use me up.
Pick me up just to slam me into the ground.
I need to know that you still care,
I need to feel you wrapped around me.
Where is my home when you are not around me?
Please refuse to let me slip into the ghost of myself.
Bring me back to vivid colors and a world full of shapes.
Force me to see the sun when its still rainig.
Make me play in the dark, like I use to know to do so well.
See me for who I am,
because these walls are built too high to knock down.
Please, I beg you to put the effort in to save me.
I'm drowning, I'm chocking on my past, on the words I hold back.
Feel me move, let me remember the steps to your heart.
My heart beats in sync with others, don't let that change.
Fight for what is yours.
I can't let you down, I'm crying from the pain.
Do something.
Do anything.
Just don't forget me.

Back to the Happy Things in Life

The trio and quarto, with my gay best friend's boyfriend, which I love, we have formed is amazing. We all mesh really well, and the way our personalities flow, surprises me. I cannot believe that we somehow found each other, and I honestly hope that we stay friends, with technology today I hope we will. Life has so many twists and turns, that it can make any one's head spin. With my best friend, I am do not think I am in love with her anymore, because I never know where we stand. She can be as cold as ice when she wants to be, if I say something that upsets her. To be honest, I know what upsets her and I should steer clear of those subjects, but I want to tell her how I feel about certain subjects. Its hard when you are in the predicament I am in. I just breathe and try to take everything slowly and day by day, seeing what is out their in the world for me.
This summer though, I won't be doing that. I am back in this small town in the middle of nowhere. I am looking forward going back to college, I am suppose to go back early to live with my roommate for two weeks so we can have relaxation time. Right now I love life.

1 Goal Down

I would proudly like to announce that I completed one of my life goals. I have gone to a concert, it was not all that great. The mosh pit was not fun, or at all what I thought it would be. At first it was just swaying, but when people get violent, because they are drunk, the fun goes away. I re-read my last post, and some things I feel different about. For one, I know the time span does not seem like that much of a difference, but those of you who have can relate that weeks feel like months, and months feel like years. Things change and people grow into who they want to be.
But I have done something, that I regret in a way. My little trio was very close friends with a girl named Jay, but before their was a trio, last semester Jay and my gay friend got into a fight with her (not physical) because he felt she was "changing" for the worst, and Jay continued to ask him not to bring my roommatee along because Jay did not like her (immature). Anyways, personalities clashed and they were trying to move past it, but about a month ago I got into a verbal argument with Jay, with my gay friend present. He was upset at how she treated me, and I felt stupidly forced to tell him how she had warned me my first few weeks at school to be careful of him, because he drops friends. For him that was the last straw, and he talked with her and basically broke off their friendship, he has no plans to make mends, but Jay apologized to me by text, voicemail, and in person so I did forgive her, and I tried to fix her and my friend back together. At this point I had completely screwed it up, and felt horrible about it, because it is not like me to talk behind backs, I am usually a much more direct, tell it to your face kind of person. My gay friend has not told her what I had told him, because he does not want to force the ending of me and Jay's friendship.

Sitting in my Dorm

I made this blog trying to not just come on here to bitch all the time, but at this point I no longer care. I'm sitting in my dorm, just thinking about my life. I miss my best friend, which I may or may not be in love with, but she's too far away no matter what way I spin it. I can't even tell her I have ever liked a girl in general, less will I ever tell her its her. I'm loving college life in the fact that I have so much more freedom than I had at home, but I do get lonely. I told one of my friends here about my past, but no luck with that helping. Now I just feel stressed when I talk to her, so that's a fail. She brings up past memories, with the memories, and the way she is in general sometimes. It all just hurts to feel lonely. I've built a wall between me and everyone else, that I'm trying to break down before my heart says its okay. When I tried to tell my best friend about it, she just encouraged me to not try so hard, basically, because I have only known these people for a short amount of time. The reason my heart and brain doesn't fully trust them its because it shouldn't. I have days that the "trio" which are me, my roommate, and our gay friend (her "gay best friend") are all in harmony and have a good day. Then theirs days were we don't get along or someone gets excluded. Reasons why I have never done best friend trio's, but the other part is I sometimes feel like the third wheel, especially because my roommate loves to point out how he was and is her best friend first. She tries to push me away sometimes when he's not around, by saying commentaries about how much of better friends they are, but to me its not a competition. I want to have a close friend again, back to not having to explain myself, but do I even know what that means? Part of me is in love with my best friend. That does not even make sense, I can't go around having that. And to be clear, I will NEVER be attracted to my roommate. Well I have to go eat dinner with some other friends not including the trio since I'm in a mini disagreement with the guy friend, but I'll explain that in part 2.

is anyone here?

Can't we all just get along?

Can someone explain to me why my roommate is always in a fight with someone? I don't understand, it is like she needs to be arguing with someone over problems that she creates or else she has nothing to do with herself. Last night was fun according to everyone but her. She does not drink, ever, because she has a large amount of alcholics in her family. I respect her decision and have never forced her too drink, though I think she will by the end of college.