" Say I'd rather be with you but you are not around
So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone"
-Drake

My Heart Hurts

I literally feel like something has been sinking for so long, and it has just hit the bottom. I can't even focus on anything anymore except the pain when someone you love does not love you back in the same way. Drops you off to go fuck someone else. I can't take it anymore. Moments like these make me wish I was a cutter or bulimia. To do something that will just put a bandage over the problem, anything but have to face it anymore. It's there and I decided this week I am going to confront it. Not try to see everything with rose colored glasses, just the way they are. Much more black and white than what I had imagined. He is not in love with me. I have used him as a replacement boyfriend because I am extremely lonely. I put my friends on such a high pedestal, because I have no one else to make my number 1. If I was in his position I would do the same thing. Now I have to sit in a cafeteria in 30min to hear about him fucking or whatever with his new crush. Sorry fuck that plan. He is not going to eat breakfast at all today. I just got the text. Funniest part is that I should be happy, no? I don't have to hear about anything. Wrong. I will just have to hear about it later. The only difference is that now it is delayed and I don't get to see him. Just seeing him brings up so many feelings that they make me want to puke a little. Actually, I want to puke a lot. My heart hurts. I can't continue doing this. Life is too short, and I am not doing what I should be doing. I should be going out and meeting new people. I am stuck in his world. I will create my own world again. FUCK THIS SHIT!
/\

I Discovered Something...

Glad I Came

It has been a while, I feel like anyways, since I have written anything in here. I have pretty much have had different friends as diary's, but that is not the same as having your life written down. I realize how much it actually helps, now that I haven't been doing it. I want to start doing this much more, school work is just crazy. Anyways, why don't we get to the point? Which is me, that just sounds so self-centered.
I have started my second semester in college, and when I think back on it I think happy thoughts, but as if I have not been living life to the fullest. I spend 85% of my time with my gay best friend which is just too ridiculous. I just can't seem to stop, I've actually have had dreams of him being my boyfriend. That scares me, I would not want that to happen really, theirs no way in hell it would work out, being honest with myself. As far as my best friend goes, if anyone can remember, the one that I basically fawn over to the point of pathetic, yeah that one, I'm going to go visit her for Thanksgiving break. Hope anyone that reads this is proud of me, I told her I was bi. Personal achievement, but now it's almost like I want to backtrack, but I know that would be stupid.

Hi...Anyone?

Feel

Have you ever felt like once you say something out loud it becomes real, so you rather not saying anything at all. That's what I feel like now.

"a heart that's harder than stone and it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone"- Brand New

So once again I find myself in the same spot, in the middle of 4 walls in my room in the middle of the night, awake because my brain does not know when to stop racing. I have stopped coming to this website because I didn't think anyone cares, which hasn't change, but when I think atleast I will have this to remember. A place to scream, where I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings, my safe place, a sort of home. I felt like doing a blog or a diary entry the way I see it, because I feel hurt. It hurts on the inside. Today I was suppose to skype with my roommate from college, and our gay friend because he's living with her for the rest of the summer. I'm going back two weeks early to live with her too, since she invited, knowing I'm not particularly fond of the small town I'm in now. She had to remind me to go on skype since I got screwed up, because of the time difference. We were talking and I thought everything was fine, then she was like oh ha ha the internet is acting weird, and went off. Knowing her I thought she was just kidding, then they never went back on, or texted me or anything. Later on tonight, he posted on one of our mutual friends facebook, guess the internet was fine at the house. That hurt. Then I go, fine, I can always rely on my best friend, sort of, kind of. So I ask her if she wants to Skype, if she couldn't that would be fine, just a question. Stab to the heart->her boyfriend was at her house for the week and then she was going to maryland with him for a week. I have been begging her to come visit me, but knowing her dad can be completly over protective, she said he will never let her go anywhere, even if I and a group of people were with her. She refused to ever argue or stand up to her father to come see me, I doubt she even asked. But she can go with a biyfriend, and here is the kicker, she is coming back alone. Now their is no problem, to argue with him to get that. That hurt.