The End-The Beginning

Hello!

It has been  a really long time since I have been on here. Two years to be exact and so many things have changed that you could not even imagine. I just came on the site to read my old diary entries and I had no idea they were that sad, but so many things have happened. I could not be happier that I started this post before I started college, because SURPRISE I'm graduating from college in 2 weeks. College has been the most unforgettable and best experience of my life, because I did find out a lot of things about myself. In relation to my past post, my girl best friend that I was in love with told me she was bi and had done a little of experimenting with girls. She is still with the same boyfriend, but he has the more the merrier policy lol, side worldwind. After Thanksgiving break I have not seen her, but we Skype and call (last time we talked on the phone was 3 days ago) so we are still very close. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about my gay best friend. We ended up moving in together and lived together for 2 years in an apartment plus over the summer. We told each other that we were in love with each other and talked about how crazy that was because we could never do anything about it. I still loved him and love him, but we haven't talked in over a week eventhough we live together. I couldn't keep dealing with all of our baggage anymore and told him I didn't want to live together. He was done and we don't talk. He was getting closer with a guy he's been hooking up with since freshman year as of a month ago, but I'm not the biggest fan of him or his friends. That's not the real reason we aren't living together, we both know why. New beginnings are scary and my heart is hurt that I've lost my best friend from this roller coaster a month before it ends, but that was his choice. I'll mend it and keep my head high.

Now I will go back to living on the uncomfortable couch and closet until I make my way and get another apartment. I'll come back and post! Can't wait to see what life has in store now.

I've fallen back in love with life.

" Say I'd rather be with you but you are not around
So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone"
-Drake

My Heart Hurts

I literally feel like something has been sinking for so long, and it has just hit the bottom. I can't even focus on anything anymore except the pain when someone you love does not love you back in the same way. Drops you off to go fuck someone else. I can't take it anymore. Moments like these make me wish I was a cutter or bulimia. To do something that will just put a bandage over the problem, anything but have to face it anymore. It's there and I decided this week I am going to confront it. Not try to see everything with rose colored glasses, just the way they are. Much more black and white than what I had imagined. He is not in love with me. I have used him as a replacement boyfriend because I am extremely lonely. I put my friends on such a high pedestal, because I have no one else to make my number 1. If I was in his position I would do the same thing. Now I have to sit in a cafeteria in 30min to hear about him fucking or whatever with his new crush. Sorry fuck that plan. He is not going to eat breakfast at all today. I just got the text. Funniest part is that I should be happy, no? I don't have to hear about anything. Wrong. I will just have to hear about it later. The only difference is that now it is delayed and I don't get to see him. Just seeing him brings up so many feelings that they make me want to puke a little. Actually, I want to puke a lot. My heart hurts. I can't continue doing this. Life is too short, and I am not doing what I should be doing. I should be going out and meeting new people. I am stuck in his world. I will create my own world again. FUCK THIS SHIT!
/\

I Discovered Something...

Glad I Came

It has been a while, I feel like anyways, since I have written anything in here. I have pretty much have had different friends as diary's, but that is not the same as having your life written down. I realize how much it actually helps, now that I haven't been doing it. I want to start doing this much more, school work is just crazy. Anyways, why don't we get to the point? Which is me, that just sounds so self-centered.
I have started my second semester in college, and when I think back on it I think happy thoughts, but as if I have not been living life to the fullest. I spend 85% of my time with my gay best friend which is just too ridiculous. I just can't seem to stop, I've actually have had dreams of him being my boyfriend. That scares me, I would not want that to happen really, theirs no way in hell it would work out, being honest with myself. As far as my best friend goes, if anyone can remember, the one that I basically fawn over to the point of pathetic, yeah that one, I'm going to go visit her for Thanksgiving break. Hope anyone that reads this is proud of me, I told her I was bi. Personal achievement, but now it's almost like I want to backtrack, but I know that would be stupid.

Hi...Anyone?

Feel

Have you ever felt like once you say something out loud it becomes real, so you rather not saying anything at all. That's what I feel like now.